EAMCET blues

I’ve always been sanguine about myself, been this cocky lil’ girl, going around with a smug look on my face[I'm told so, all the time], from my childhood. Narcissism…nah!!!! But yeah...from the day I was born I must’ve strongly believed that self-deprecation was a damn sin (and my lanta I did live up to that or what?)With God’s grace, my parents have never worried about my grades…nor did I…'Results day' was always ‘celebration day’.

My first shocker:

My brother aced his CBSE tenth wid 95.4%. and it is to be assumed (naturally) that my only goal in life then was to drub his score… nothing else mattered to me those two years(annayya is 2 yrs senior to me). I did the best of my ability in the exams and my teachers were quite certain I’d make mincemeat of his score…but then...call it ill luck, poor correction, wrong choice of Second language or destiny..Whatever!, I put up a pathetic 87 odd%...nothing close to what I’d call SUCCESS in my book….my people explained tome about reaping the fruits of past karma...it really didn't make a difference. This sure was a defeat but it couldn’t break me down..or more fitting wud be -couldn't break my ‘EGO’(ah I said it) down…like my brother says I was still drunk in(/with) ego.

My second blow:

Now I had resolved if 10^th was not my best year, I’d do the trick in EAMCET(engineering entrance)..between…. my brother scored 949/100 in his intermediate board(11^th n 12^th) and I skunked him..(ha ha) but only by a whisker..scoring 951/1000[ the changed pattern has minimal choice so 951 is commendable]. But I had competed for EAMCET…

…after slogging for two years, this time, with what I’d call an obstinate resolve and fist clenched determination, with brio and drive and a very very very very illustrious record in the infinite internal assessment exams I had given in those 2 years…I sat for the exam…if it was to be a normal day, I’d be tensed to death..but surprisingly,(I’d rather use shockingly here), I was as cool as a cucumber..very very not like me..i knew this was odd but what the heck, my records were very assuring…n my immense faith in The Almighty kept telling me- this war I wasn’t going to close…

The three hours of the exam: I started with chemistry.(I always did math first…),did well ... then….theres a sudden blankout..i can’t solve this problem on probability, an area I was considered to be a champ, there I start loosing my grip, forgetting all formulae in integration(I vividly remember, I cunt even remember integral of tan X), I screw up few questions in math…math turns out to b a damp squib(my strongest area in inter) n I head for physics. I hadn’t 4 some reason ever liked the chapter ‘Sound’ in physics, didn’t study it 4 d exam n yup ..the first 4 questions from ‘Sound’...

Though I had not given my best performance, I thought I’d get a rank almost like my brother’s(my brother’s EAMCET experience was even worse: EAMCET- his only failure, if losing to me in intermediate(he sez he’s glad I beat him) isn’t one). Come May 12^th EAMCET results are announced and destiny wasn't fair at all. My worst nightmare was getting a rank of 667, I had screamed waking up my parents, brother and my cousins that night! This was ‘THE BIGGEST FAILURE OF MY LIFE’. My ego took a severe beating; I wasn’t going to say a word for the next few days. I learnt the biggest n most valuable lesson of my life. My failure in my dream exam taught me more than what I’d learnt in 16 yrs of my life…..I was from then going to be ‘MYSELF MINUS EGO’.

I’m happy, I’ve had no more such jolts after my EAMCET, (touch wood), been doing pretty well in engineering. Talking of ego….I’m no bloody selfless altruist now, but yes I’m no smug looking ego-maniac anymore (I was never that..anyway!)